a little update on Newfie and other diversions

It's true... I've been hiding behind stories of my past dating life, going back 20 years, to avoid talking about Newfie.  What if he ever reads this?  He might just realize that I am, in fact, an evil person and he should run like hell.  Except that I'm not actually evil - just very conflicted and (honestly) terrified of committing to someone without being more sure than I am now about where it could lead.  Giving up 3 or 6 months to a guy wasn't such a big deal when I was 27 or even 32 or 33.  But now time just seems so -- I hate to say it -- precious.  The whole religion/marriage/kids/"I'm going to be 40... Someday..."  thing.  It's not that I'm in a rush to get some guy to the altar, just not willing to be exclusive with someone before it feels right.

Newfie has found a little bit of game.  Post-Newfoundland conversation, he actually backed off a step.  But not totally.  We went out last Saturday, had such a great time that I thought I'd ask him to join me at my friend's Christmas party.  (Haven't gotten their report yet, kinda scared to ask).  And that night as I drove him home, he preyed on my weakness, and we fooled around a little more than I'd intended.  Given that the gender roles are a little flipped in this equation, I know he assumes this means something.  He wants it to mean something.  And I just feel guilty.

Then Newfie left for his home state for Christmas, on the other side of the country.

The night after he left, as mentioned in the last post, I had dinner with Slacker.  Somewhere near the second class of sake, I felt something very different towards this man.  It was like Angela Lansbury's voice in my head... "there's something there that wasn't there before."  And the flirtation commenced.

I've known Slacker for over 12 or 13 or whatever years.  We were housemates.  Many a night that man stumbled up the stairs, drunk or whatnot, and about passed out next to me in my bed.  He never so much as put a hand on my leg or arm in a way that was anything other than platonic.  The last time I saw him was six or seven years ago, and still... nothing...  but maybe Wednesday night there was something about the how much each of has changed/grown/gotten better looking (loving the silver streaks in his long hair!).  Anyway, suddenly there is chemistry. 

So from the 2nd cup of sake until he was standing next to me in my apartment several hours later, I was asking myself "what do I want to do about this?"  And I could avoid answering it.  That is until HE asked me what I wanted to do about it.  His question was in the form of a kiss.  A very nice kiss.  I'm still thinking about the kiss.

Hang on... be right back... just want to enjoy the kiss for another second...

And nothing happened.  I felt guilty, and Slacker knew it.  Even though my feelings are conflicted about Newfie, and I've made no pretense about dating other people, I'm still attempting some kind of loyalty.

Slacker slept on my couch that night (he was hiding out from his brother's crazy in-laws).  The next morning,  as he accompanied on my commute to work, we checked in with each other about the previous night's events like the mature, communicative adults we've become.  We agreed that nothing should happen that would ever lead to awkward.  I'm not sure what that could be - I haven't felt awkward around Slacker for a moment in my life and can't imagine that I ever would.  But I can't seem to think in the present, I wonder what a little fling with Slacker would lead to.  And I have a trip planned to his town in about 6 weeks for a little family gathering - what happens then?

Joe College, who has become my oracle of dating advice, thinks I'm being very clear that I "want to cut the puppy loose" and that there's no lines being crossed, since I've never said I was dating Newfie exclusively.  And Joe College likes the sound of Slacker. 

Since when did Joe College become an oracle?  And how do I really feel about monogamy and other such forms of loyalty?  One guy I dated said he was incapable of poly-dating.  I have always poly-dated, but that's because I don't often end up rolling around in bed with guys early on, and guys rarely last more than a few dates so I'm better off keeping a few around.  Newfie is clearly different - generous, genuine and sweet, unafraid to be totally present with me.  Something is definitely faulty in my wiring that I haven't declared him my territory and pissed a big circle around him to warn other women away.  Maybe my issues are real, but they are also the types of issues that don't matter when I am crazy about someone.

But Slacker?  Where the hell did that come from?  It's a good thing I don't believe in mistakes.