the best ex

Joe College was in town again...  the 3rd time this year, and it's been a blast having him around.  Don't get any ideas - Joe College and I aren't getting back together.  We don't even dance around the exsex line.  We just hang out, like buddies, and have conversations like this:

Joe College: "You know what I really want?  A girl who likes to hang out all the time and occasionally get laid."
Me: "Well, what I really want is a guy who likes to get laid all the time and occasionally hang out." 
Joe College: "And there you have it."
At which we both laugh, and remind ourselves why we enjoy being exes.

Joe College claimed a couple of summers ago that I was probably the pinnacle of his dating career... I certainly rank, by a long shot, as the most sane woman he's ever dated.

I recently (sadly) realized that Joe College may be the man who rates the highest on the evolutionary scale of all the men I've ever date.  My brother would have to weigh in on that.  My brother is the one who created the evolutionary scale.  I'm not sure anyone has ever reached upright status yet.  But that's another story, another day.

Joe College earned his name easily enough - my dad dubbed him after a brief visit to my hometown (for a football game, not so much about meeting my folks). His most memorable accomplishment that trip was teaching my friend's husband to open beer bottles with his wedding band.  My friend may never forgive me.

Joe College and I met when we got fixed up by uber-sexy Jewish/taken Drummer Boy and my friend back when I lived in the midwest (the same friend that I met through Pockets, oddly enough).  My friend and Drummer Boy simply plotted to bring together two nice Jewish people. Even though I was a mature, let's-settle-down-31-year-old and he a 27-going-on-15-year-old, we found enough in common over Bloody Mary's and brunch with Drummer Boy and his shixa girlfriend to justify another date.  And then another, and then another... and pretty soon it was 10 months down the road, we'd had some fun dinners, he'd introduced me to Big 10 football, we took a crazy New Year's Eve trip to Vegas, and a final trip to Hawaii.

We both cried when we broke up... there was no horrible fight, no prompting event, just the realization that we were wonderful people who didn't belong together.  Drummer Boy had to take the post-break-up call from Joe College, and our other mutual guy friend took my call.  Turns out Drummer Boy got the short end of the stick on that one from what I hear.  

Joe College just is Joe College, and I hope he always is.  He likes telling dirty jokes, drinking too much beer, listening to Howard Stern, checking out hot girls and hanging out with the guys.   But I've got a little secret... if you are paying attention, that's just the first 5% of Joe College.  He's deeply intellectual, thoughtful, introspective, aware of others' feelings, and all the stuff that I would promise not to divulge at a bar when he's hitting on a girl but would anyway.  He has a sense of style that we wears with a subdued manner that seems, at first, totally out of kilter with his Joe College image. 

[cue Beavis] Dude, I called him sub-dude.  heh heh.  heh heh..

So now what, Joe College?  Well, when we dated I was his Sugar Mama.  I made a decent bit more than him and sometimes took the lead on doing the expensive stuff (he was willing to share a hotel room with the other couple in Hawaii... for example... aw, hell to the naw!).  These days, he makes about three times what I do, so I get to make him play Sugar Daddy and take me out for fancy dinners when he is in town. 

Now he's a 33-going-on-27-year-old.  And I will continue tease him incessantly that I'm going to get him back into my bed so I can use him for the 12 minutes he'd last.  And ask him for dating advice. 

a little update on Newfie and other diversions

It's true... I've been hiding behind stories of my past dating life, going back 20 years, to avoid talking about Newfie.  What if he ever reads this?  He might just realize that I am, in fact, an evil person and he should run like hell.  Except that I'm not actually evil - just very conflicted and (honestly) terrified of committing to someone without being more sure than I am now about where it could lead.  Giving up 3 or 6 months to a guy wasn't such a big deal when I was 27 or even 32 or 33.  But now time just seems so -- I hate to say it -- precious.  The whole religion/marriage/kids/"I'm going to be 40... Someday..."  thing.  It's not that I'm in a rush to get some guy to the altar, just not willing to be exclusive with someone before it feels right.

Newfie has found a little bit of game.  Post-Newfoundland conversation, he actually backed off a step.  But not totally.  We went out last Saturday, had such a great time that I thought I'd ask him to join me at my friend's Christmas party.  (Haven't gotten their report yet, kinda scared to ask).  And that night as I drove him home, he preyed on my weakness, and we fooled around a little more than I'd intended.  Given that the gender roles are a little flipped in this equation, I know he assumes this means something.  He wants it to mean something.  And I just feel guilty.

Then Newfie left for his home state for Christmas, on the other side of the country.

The night after he left, as mentioned in the last post, I had dinner with Slacker.  Somewhere near the second class of sake, I felt something very different towards this man.  It was like Angela Lansbury's voice in my head... "there's something there that wasn't there before."  And the flirtation commenced.

I've known Slacker for over 12 or 13 or whatever years.  We were housemates.  Many a night that man stumbled up the stairs, drunk or whatnot, and about passed out next to me in my bed.  He never so much as put a hand on my leg or arm in a way that was anything other than platonic.  The last time I saw him was six or seven years ago, and still... nothing...  but maybe Wednesday night there was something about the how much each of has changed/grown/gotten better looking (loving the silver streaks in his long hair!).  Anyway, suddenly there is chemistry. 

So from the 2nd cup of sake until he was standing next to me in my apartment several hours later, I was asking myself "what do I want to do about this?"  And I could avoid answering it.  That is until HE asked me what I wanted to do about it.  His question was in the form of a kiss.  A very nice kiss.  I'm still thinking about the kiss.

Hang on... be right back... just want to enjoy the kiss for another second...

And nothing happened.  I felt guilty, and Slacker knew it.  Even though my feelings are conflicted about Newfie, and I've made no pretense about dating other people, I'm still attempting some kind of loyalty.

Slacker slept on my couch that night (he was hiding out from his brother's crazy in-laws).  The next morning,  as he accompanied on my commute to work, we checked in with each other about the previous night's events like the mature, communicative adults we've become.  We agreed that nothing should happen that would ever lead to awkward.  I'm not sure what that could be - I haven't felt awkward around Slacker for a moment in my life and can't imagine that I ever would.  But I can't seem to think in the present, I wonder what a little fling with Slacker would lead to.  And I have a trip planned to his town in about 6 weeks for a little family gathering - what happens then?

Joe College, who has become my oracle of dating advice, thinks I'm being very clear that I "want to cut the puppy loose" and that there's no lines being crossed, since I've never said I was dating Newfie exclusively.  And Joe College likes the sound of Slacker. 

Since when did Joe College become an oracle?  And how do I really feel about monogamy and other such forms of loyalty?  One guy I dated said he was incapable of poly-dating.  I have always poly-dated, but that's because I don't often end up rolling around in bed with guys early on, and guys rarely last more than a few dates so I'm better off keeping a few around.  Newfie is clearly different - generous, genuine and sweet, unafraid to be totally present with me.  Something is definitely faulty in my wiring that I haven't declared him my territory and pissed a big circle around him to warn other women away.  Maybe my issues are real, but they are also the types of issues that don't matter when I am crazy about someone.

But Slacker?  Where the hell did that come from?  It's a good thing I don't believe in mistakes.

I suppose there's a reason I'm still single.

I nicknamed a man "Newfie" this week (image borrowed from Wikimedia).  And Saturday night, on our date, I actually explained to him that his approach to dating reminded me of a Newfoundland running at me from across a park field, full bore, forgetting that he weighs 150 pounds and will surely knock me over.  Don't get me wrong, Newfoundlands are ADORABLE.  I would get one - 150 pounds of pure love and "I wanna be a puppy, don't I fit in your lap" and happiness all bundled in black fur and drool.  But if that dog is running at me from across a field, I'm going to do my best to get out of the way and not get knocked to the ground.

And I actually explained this to Newfie.  And I thought he understood.  Then two hours later, on our 5th date in two weeks and after having brought me bouquet of flowers (for the 2nd time) and a holiday present, he told me he wants to be clear the he is not dating anyone else.  WHAM.

Naturally, I freak out.  I consulted all the wrong people -- including my ex "Joe College" -- who told me I wasn't allowed to run away. Because this guy is sweet and crazy about me and smart and makes me laugh a lot and lots of good stuff.  Probably the best advice I got was "you know, some guys aren't good at dating... and that's a good thing."  (Because, really, what prize do you get for being great at dating?)

The advice came a little too late as I'd already uninvited him to something on Sunday.  It stung, it was awful, what was I thinking?  Clearly I'm not good at dating, but I do seem to do a lot of it. 

At any rate, in telling the story to my friends I finally realized three things.
1) It's time to actually share my stories, and perspective, on dating.  I'm still single at 37. I started dating when I was 13-ish.  I've never been married.  I'm not a freak.  But I do have nearly a quarter century of dating stories built up, and before my best friend flies out here and locks me in a hotel room for weeks on end I'm going to start telling these stories bit by bit.  She thinks they are funny.  So this is for her, most of all.
2) I've managed to stay positive and appreciate the humor even in the most unpleasant of it, and making my friends laugh with me is what allows me to continue this.  So if I share more, maybe I will be even more positive! So maybe it is for me, most of all.
3) I'm 37.  That's prime.  So I want it to be the prime of my life.  So it will be -- and I'll reflect on my past funny escapades, and hope I get to share the best with a whole lot of people who have no clue who I am.