the path unexpected

I suppose not every post can be funny. If you need funny, I can tell you the story about a magician.  In the meantime, J-Red got me feeling introspective and I wanted to share.  We got to talking over our pedicures on Monday, and she didn't mess around -- she went straight for the jugular about my life, love and otherwise.

She got me talking about the biggest change in my dating perspective in the last couple of years. After mourning so many losses -- including my mother, my relationship with Grumpy Pants, the apartment fire -- I realized that I will never have the life I always assumed I would have. Ya know, the one with a husband, two kids, a decent house... where things swim along and life is some normal space between Roseanne and Cosby.

Don't get me wrong, my life is wonderful in many ways! And I've made some very conscious choices that might have derailed the "dream" yet have benefited me in ways beyond what I would have hoped for. I would chose all over again just the same. I can simultaneously appreciate and enjoy what I have, but recognize that the paradigm of what I thought my life would be for years and years is, well, dead.

The life I thought I would have now isn't what I have now, nor will it ever be... and so I feel a bit unhinged. In part, I want to give myself permission to mourn -- almost in a Langston Hughes/Dream Deferred kind of way. Maybe kids aren't in my future. Maybe the kind of husband (some uncomplicated NJB who loves to be outdoors) I was searching for isn't what will be right for me in the coming years. Maybe I will take more solo adventures again.

After I'm done mourning, I plan to celebrate. If all the rules and expectations are gone, maybe I will start exploring and seeing new ways to find love in my life. That unexpected stuff, the kind of things I see when I'm just taking the world in, as opposed to narrowing my vision to something specific.

The path unexpected has always been my favorite route.  I doubt this time of my life is any different!