This past Wednesday, I stayed home sick from work. And actually was sick. Still am - it's making me cranky and judgmental and all that good stuff. (Though no one likes to be sick over New Year's Eve.) But all the cranky stuff made me very impatient and clear about my feelings for Newfie.
My original plan was to spend Wednesday goofing off with Newfie, trying to re-inject a little fun into things and get away from the intense "I'm so into you" stuff he's got going on so I could give this relationship a fair chance. Given that my compromised health, we just went to lunch. We talked some about his potential move to a new city for a new job, and a bit about New Year's Eve (which we were not spending together). Two things became clear. 1) In the two years he has lived here, he hasn't made any close friends - and certainly none close enough that he had anyone to spend New Year's Eve with. 2) He felt like this one job opportunity was his last chance to get out of his current situation, and said it in such a sad, tormented way.
Soon, I'll tell the story of Grumpy Pants - the man I was with for three years. Thinking about Newfie brings me back to stories about Grumpy Pants and why our relationship didn't survive. In particular, Grumpy Pants relied on me for social interaction - he didn't reach out, make friends, engage the world around him. At first it seemed OK because he enjoyed my friends, and I surround myself with friends-who-are-family and love spending time with him. But over time, his isolationist tendency became a weight -- not just that I was enough for him, but that he didn't want anyone else around. I was the focus of his world, and damn near all of it outside of work. He was the most important part of mine, but I had so many other things going on...
And maybe that would have been OK, but Grumpy Pants was also down on the world, because he figured the world was down on him. This, I'm sure, is a large reason he didn't have much social gusto. I, on the other hand, am resilient and positive about the world. This is not because I'm naive. On the contrary, life has handed me some rather unpleasant cards -- but that's life, and I choose to enjoy it as best I can because that's what makes the rough parts easier to survive. And while I'm pretty sunny, I can't make sun shine for someone else.
And maybe that would have been OK, but Grumpy Pants was also down on the world, because he figured the world was down on him. This, I'm sure, is a large reason he didn't have much social gusto. I, on the other hand, am resilient and positive about the world. This is not because I'm naive. On the contrary, life has handed me some rather unpleasant cards -- but that's life, and I choose to enjoy it as best I can because that's what makes the rough parts easier to survive. And while I'm pretty sunny, I can't make sun shine for someone else.
Of course, the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I am not insane. I cannot be Newfie's whole world and the sun that shines on it nor more than I could for Grumpy Pants. Besides, complete devotion is lovely in a dog... a sweet dog relies on you for everything, and its complete devotion to a master is inspiring and adorable. But that is only endearing in a dog, not a man. And maybe I doomed this from the beginning by seeing him as Newfie. The danger of the nickname - it can be self-fulfilling.
So tonight, I played the part of the horrible woman who dashes a wonderful man's hopes and dreams. I won't make fun of this... Newfie is a sweetheart of guy, just not the sweetheart for me.
The roughest part of the break-up is that no matter what I say, no matter who kind I try to be, I will always be the jerk in his memory. I tried to tell him how wonderful he is, but that I'm not looking to be someone's whole world -- and that he deserves someone who wants to be his whole world and wants that from him.
His response: "Clearly I'm not wonderful, if this is what's happening."
But really, he is a wonderful man. If only he could believe it in himself, he'd be fighting women off with a stick. I wish you luck and all good things, Newfie.
As for me, not to worry... I've still got my crush on Mr. Nice Guy, and I'm acting like a high school girl trying to get someone else to let him know I like him and conjuring up another way to see him by using our mutual friends. Rather than, you know, just asking him out.
And, ever the "defensive dater," I had another "eHarm" first date today with a guy I'll dub Trumpet (he plays). If nothing else, I will have more stories to tell!
So tonight, I played the part of the horrible woman who dashes a wonderful man's hopes and dreams. I won't make fun of this... Newfie is a sweetheart of guy, just not the sweetheart for me.
The roughest part of the break-up is that no matter what I say, no matter who kind I try to be, I will always be the jerk in his memory. I tried to tell him how wonderful he is, but that I'm not looking to be someone's whole world -- and that he deserves someone who wants to be his whole world and wants that from him.
His response: "Clearly I'm not wonderful, if this is what's happening."
But really, he is a wonderful man. If only he could believe it in himself, he'd be fighting women off with a stick. I wish you luck and all good things, Newfie.
As for me, not to worry... I've still got my crush on Mr. Nice Guy, and I'm acting like a high school girl trying to get someone else to let him know I like him and conjuring up another way to see him by using our mutual friends. Rather than, you know, just asking him out.
And, ever the "defensive dater," I had another "eHarm" first date today with a guy I'll dub Trumpet (he plays). If nothing else, I will have more stories to tell!
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