rhymes with slurpee

Every once in a while, I meet someone who just takes me by surprise.  Like Slurpee.  We met through mutual friends back in 1999, and the wooing began with that caustic, fiery banter that seems like hate but is usually rooted in some sort of denied attraction.

I denied it for a very long time.  Months.

But Slurpee kind of grew on me, in a fungal sort of way.  At first I thought I could ignore him, and then before I knew it he was just everywhere.  Except, not like fungus, I kind of enjoyed having Slurpee around.  He lived near me, we found ourselves going to dinner together in the neighborhood, doing the occasional hike together.  You know, dating.

Slurpee taught me a few things... you see, Slurpee had a bit of a deformity.  He was missing most of one arm as a result of a birth defect. At first I thought I needed to open doors for him or help him carry things - but I quickly got over that.  I would grow impatient if he didn't get his butt in gear and open doors for me or carry my stuff.  Slurpee  was completely adapted, and really put me in my place about how he handled this.  He didn't see that he was any different and neither should I.  If he needed help, he'd ask.  He never asked, so I don't think he ever needed help.

He was also probably one of the first guys to tell me to shut up so he could do something nice for me. He got me to the point that I realized I deserved (and therefore expected) a man to do those little nice things for me.  It was more than being considerate or respectful -- it was about liking someone and enjoying doing the little stuff.  Imagine that.

As things progressed with Slurpee and it looked like we were heading into one of them new-fangled exclusive and romantic relationships, he actually began to pull away.  And I was confused.  I thought as a rule that as things progressed, things... ummm... progressed.

Finally, ever the adult in my late 20's, I asked Slurpee "what gives?"  I'd like to say I said something more thoughtful than that, but I don't think I did.

As it turns out, Slurpee was dumping me.  You see, he has thing thing that rhymes with Slurpees.  And he didn't want to give it to me, so he figured it would be better to break things off before we went too far physically or emotionally.

Over the years, I've often wondered about Slurpee.  He stands out as one of those guys that really got under my skin in the right kind of way.  He pretty much dropped out of touch - I think he left the state for a while because of work, then maybe moved back.  I think he was in a long-term relationship with someone at some point, but I'm not sure.  I lost touch with our mutual friends as well, just through various life changes and moves and such.

It makes me wonder if he had some unresolved feelings for me, too?  And maybe being in touch was uncomfortable?

And I think of all the jerks out there who never get tested, don't know, spread their little STDs willy nilly (pun intended)...  In the last 5 or 6 years, I haven't sleep around (much), but I also don't find myself asking "have you been tested" like I used to (and probably should).  I absolutely make sure the boys keep the package gift-wrapped until marriage, and that protects me mostly...  but not totally.  But I think of I guys I liked so much less who would have unknowingly infected me -- versus someone I really cared about, and saw a future with, who assumed it would be best if he kept his disease to himself.

Mostly, I wish Slurpee had let me make the choice.  I'm not sure 10 years ago what I would have decided, it wouldn't have been easy. 

I asked him out.

I did it. I asked out Mr. Nice Guy. 

Via Facebook.  While I knew he was offline, at a meeting on the other side of the country on a business trip.  This is worse than the text message date ask, and I complain about that all the time.

Go ahead, call me a chicken.  T already did.  It took me 3 days of talking about asking him out to come up with "So, are you going to this big Jewish event that everyone else is going to, because you are on that list of 400 people on Facebook that were invited, that you haven't responded to (because I stalked you and checked), and that's during NFL playoffs?  Cuz if you happen to be going, maybe you'll see me there and then I can smile at you and you can think about maybe eating after since it ends at 8, and maybe since I'll also be there and hungry -- we can go together!"

So the email didn't EXACTLY say that.  But it might as well have.

Maybe I'm no better than when I was a teenager.  I remember one of my first attempts to get a guy to pay attention to me.  I was out with a few friends, I think there were wine coolers involved.  This was the late 80's, when it didn't seem so odd to stop in a park on a Saturday where other 16-somethings were drinking illegally-purchased booze.  After my 2nd wine cooler, I stood up and slurred out loud "I wonder who's the best kisser here."  I highly doubt the guy who kissed me was the best kisser, but he was the one who realized he might get to 1st or 2nd base with a drunk girl. (Luckily, in the late 80's, those stories end innocently enough!)

Of course then I was just looking for any guy to pay attention to me.  These days I'm a little more particular.

So the email to Mr. Nice Guy actually said something along the lines of this: "Any chance you are going to the event on Sunday? If so, would you be interested in grabbing dinner afterwards?" 

This way, I can assume his rejection is because he isn't going to the event.

But maybe, just maybe, I didn't misinterpret him lightly touching my leg the other day.  Maybe, just maybe, he's kinda chicken, too. 

I am not insane... and other reasons to break a man's heart.

This past Wednesday, I stayed home sick from work.  And actually was sick.  Still am - it's making me cranky and judgmental and all that good stuff.  (Though no one likes to be sick over New Year's Eve.) But all the cranky stuff made me very impatient and clear about my feelings for Newfie.

My original plan was to spend Wednesday goofing off with Newfie, trying to re-inject a little fun into things and get away from the intense "I'm so into you" stuff he's got going on so I could give this relationship a fair chance.  Given that my compromised health, we just went to lunch. We talked some about his potential move to a new city for a new job, and a bit about New Year's Eve (which we were not spending together).  Two things became clear.  1) In the two years he has lived here, he hasn't made any close friends - and certainly none close enough that he had anyone to spend New Year's Eve with.  2) He felt like this one job opportunity was his last chance to get out of his current situation, and said it in such a sad, tormented way.

Soon, I'll tell the story of Grumpy Pants - the man I was with for three years.  Thinking about Newfie brings me back to stories about Grumpy Pants and why our relationship didn't survive.  In particular, Grumpy Pants relied on me for social interaction - he didn't reach out, make friends, engage the world around him.  At first it seemed OK because he enjoyed my friends, and I surround myself with friends-who-are-family and love spending time with him.  But over time, his isolationist tendency became a weight -- not just that I was enough for him, but that he didn't want anyone else around.  I was the focus of his world, and damn near all of it outside of work.  He was the most important part of mine, but I had so many other things going on... 

And maybe that would have been OK, but Grumpy Pants was also down on the world, because he figured the world was down on him.  This, I'm sure, is a large reason he didn't have much social gusto.  I, on the other hand, am resilient and positive about the world.  This is not because I'm naive.  On the contrary, life has handed me some rather unpleasant cards -- but that's life, and I choose to enjoy it as best I can because that's what makes the rough parts easier to survive.  And while I'm pretty sunny, I can't make sun shine for someone else.   

Of course, the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

I am not insane.  I cannot be Newfie's whole world and the sun that shines on it nor more than I could for Grumpy Pants.  Besides, complete devotion is lovely in a dog...  a sweet dog relies on you for everything, and its complete devotion to a master is inspiring and adorable.  But that is only endearing in a dog, not a man.  And maybe I doomed this from the beginning by seeing him as Newfie.  The danger of the nickname - it can be self-fulfilling.

So tonight, I played the part of the horrible woman who dashes a wonderful man's hopes and dreams.  I won't make fun of this... Newfie is a sweetheart of guy, just not the sweetheart for me.

The roughest part of the break-up is that no matter what I say, no matter who kind I try to be, I will always be the jerk in his memory.  I tried to tell him how wonderful he is, but that I'm not looking to be someone's whole world -- and that he deserves someone who wants to be his whole world and wants that from him.

His response: "Clearly I'm not wonderful, if this is what's happening." 

But really, he is a wonderful man.  If only he could believe it in himself, he'd be fighting women off with a stick.  I wish you luck and all good things, Newfie. 

As for me, not to worry...  I've still got my crush on Mr. Nice Guy, and I'm acting like a high school girl trying to get someone else to let him know I like him and conjuring up another way to see him by using our mutual friends. Rather than, you know, just asking him out. 

And, ever the "defensive dater," I had another "eHarm" first date today with a guy I'll dub Trumpet (he plays).  If nothing else, I will have more stories to tell!

my favorite pick up & break up

I find it pretty amusing that my favorite pick-up line (used on me) and the best break-up line I've ever used both go to the same guy: Aw Shucks.

Aw Shucks is just one of those guys who seems simple and sweet, kind of a frat boy but whose Midwestern charm and aw-shucks/who-me? smile gets him out of trouble all the time.  We were at a fundraiser dinner back in 2008.  I was on the event committee with a friend of his, and we were all at the same (rowdy) dinner table.  After dinner, we all went to the 2nd part of the fundraiser, listening to a fun band that played a lot of latin-infused, very dance-able music.  So I was D-A-N-C-I-N-G.  Aw Shucks, as you might predict for a sweet Midwestern frat boy, was not much of a dancer.  But he tried anyway, because he was trying to get to know me!  It was sweet in that (go figure) aw-shucks kind of way.

As I got ready to leave, he made his move:  "If I invited you to dinner, and it didn't involve dancing at all, would you still go out with me?"  Awwww...  how could any girl turn that down?  I think that has to be my favorite pick-up line of all time.  He took my number and called the next day.  Such a sweetie.

We dated for a handful of weeks.  He was sweet, kinda sexy when he wanted to be.  A gentleman at all the right times, and not a gentleman at all the right times.  We had a good time, but it was apparent pretty soon that the "relationship" wasn't going anywhere.  As I learned from Joe College, just because we are two nice people doesn't mean we should be stay together if it just ain't there.

After thinking about it for a while, I knew what I needed to say to him...  over beer, of course. And I said to Aw Shucks my best break-up line ever: "There was a point at which I realized I really wanted to find a friend to fix you up with - but it was a little too late for that." 

He smiled that adorable aw-shucks smile of his, even though he knew I was breaking things off.  Turns out, he felt more or less the same way.  But I think that is the first and only time I've managed to break-up with a guy and have him find it almost a compliment.  It helps that I meant it sincerely. 

Of course, I'm not sure that I should brag about being good at breaking-up.  But I do want to be remembered as considerate and all.